Hey Mom.....

Walking out of the trailer, my phone went off with a text message alert. Looking down, I saw the name of a friend of our family from long ago. Someone I have always respected in many ways and their family, too. The individual explained why they texted, for my mother. They wanted to know if I wanted to contact her. Mom (Melody) has Temporal Lobe Aphasia Expressed. I didn’t have to contact her, but if I wanted to, the number would be sent to me. The fact that I have known of this individual basically since I was born, I opened up easily with respect and care. 

After a few brief texts, I realized they didn’t know my crazy thoughts or even what  had all gone down in my younger life that led me to where I am now. I was quick to feel so many emotions that I felt so stupid and even like a clown to the point. It was like the time I thought I was a coach at the Special Olympics, but realized I was the athlete. I just looked different to a point, that’s it. I felt an instant form of pain and regret. I sent another text to explain my actions and how they were wrong. Yet, even in the wrong, the greatness of God has helped me find my way out of my head, through kind words, strong thoughts and open souls. We are growing. I was proud of myself, but I didn’t know if I could contact her after it all played out.

It was what was said at the end of the text, that again sent us into thoughts and places we had thought were gone. Or made us wonder if they really were real. Did those things really happen? Over the years, with these scars I have formed, I don’t think I healed them all correctly. I believe I used a lot of superglues when I may have needed a stitch or something else. There was no time to fix things the right way. We had to eat, feed and clothe our papooses as I was trying not to fall apart. With that being said, I allowed all the good things in my past life to be forgotten. It’s almost like I closed off the side that remembers when we would walk on the beach together, go have Sunday croissants with coffee and my strawberry milk. Or when you had your bakery and I would make cakes with you. How much fun we would have as I tried to eat everything. Or how we would race down the road to the end of the block on Oak Street to the park. Or nature walks in the Santa Monica Mountains or L.A. How we would go to the symphonies together. You always found a way to get me to USC and  UCLA football or basketball games, let’s not leave out the Raiders or the 1984 Olympics. Or when I would cry for my father and ask why I had to be a bastard kid, you would hold me and cry with me. You would tell me how sorry you were that he left.

Mom, I’m so sorry I had to write my books. I’m so sorry I had to find my path. I’m sorry for all the pain I brought you, even if it felt right, or even if I thought you should feel it. I thought that you needed to know, but now because of my self pain you will never hear those words. As I did call where you are at, I was able to set up a meeting for tomorrow, sometime after work. When we talk Mom, guess what? My plan is to act like none of this ever happened. I understand the roles have flipped and if it wasn’t for love, I wouldn’t be able to speak to you. If it wasn’t for two souls that love you, I would have continued to feel just, all the way until your death. Even as I’ve grown, until Monday I thought I knew, yet God had other plans for us. Like I like to say, he had to have been smoking some good green. With that being said, I am glad he was. LOL 

The pain I have felt trying not to love you is stupid. I have a gift given to an unworthy son who thought his mother was unworthy. Too bad, he hadn’t lived long enough to understand what unworthiness is.  Mom, I’m excited about tomorrow. I took the day off because I couldn’t hold my thoughts together. So Mom, please forgive me as I’m so sorry! Hey mom, I forgive you! Plus, your grand baby looks alot like you in the face. Her name is Blair.

Looking up, the man with the hat just gave another tip. Which is great. However, it’s the text that has changed our fate. Let’s pray we do this right for her and my own soul. I guess I want to say good luck to everyone in their pain, but sometimes there is more to it. I wish I would have been able to see that before. That’s on us, or should I say, me!

May our Lord continue to heal your memories and your emotions, guide your life, give you his peace and keep you in his loving care. Cross, Prayers, Amen. That was the end of the text. Thank you again, I love you all too. I wanted to grow, I wanted to learn, well it’s time.

Thank you for your time. Blessed be, Alhamdulillah, and God Bless. Peace.